the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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