I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
