you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
