I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
