Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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