I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
