It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
