my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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