I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
