I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
