just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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