John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
