beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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