I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
