my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
