Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
