My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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