We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
