Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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