im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
