why didn't you poke me back
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
