Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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