Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
