Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
