and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
