I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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