so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
