my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
