True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
