I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
