Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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