Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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