I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
