look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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