I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
