Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
