i jhust puked up my retainher.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
