he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
