i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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