Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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