I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
