Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
