Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
