If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
