I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
