I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
