yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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