Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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