My nipple is on Facebook.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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