Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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