Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
